I day dreamed myself dead. Neck tied on the ceiling fan, Leaping from the rooftop, Falling from a mountain
Death still haunts me in my most safest of spaces
Ive come to realize that the above statement is provisional. It will only hold its truth for a few more "I love you"s then poof someone leaves me.
Our lives are finite, infinity only exist in nature and fairytales. Its a sad reality.
Im debating wether or not I am you or your dead friend. Somedays it feels like I am both.
I always come back, somehow hoping the outcome changes and he wakes up. Like a kiss of true love. No matter how hard it pains my insides or shakes me to the core. I am sent down a plight of uncertainty.
You might ask, what kind torturous form of self-hatred is that? I will respond by saying, "the kind that resonates within my entire body." Sometimes its better to feel pain, than nothing at all.
Were all just waiting.
Here i am. Square one. Unfillterated. Un adulterated. Transparent. Me.
I always find myself coming to this. Having this conversation with myself. This time its in the middle of a different conversation that I'm having with my friends. Im currently dreading having to go back to their boring ass conversations about manipulative girlfriends because its not engaging enough and I don't care. I just want to be alone. Bask in my thoughts and cry over the fact that there are people out there who are like me and i have no idea how to find them. Which is my favorite form of self sabotage.
I really wish my brain would just shut off for a few seconds or maybe a few months. I wish i was wired differently so I wouldn't have to think about how boring my life is or how theres this unspoken blueprint for life that i dont want to follow. I wish i was wired differently so I wouldn't have to suffer constantly.
Fuck fuck fuck