I day dreamed myself dead. Neck tied on the ceiling fan, Leaping from the rooftop, Falling from a mountain
Death still haunts me in my most safest of spaces


None of my friends are dead.

Ive come to realize that the above statement is provisional. It will only hold its truth for a few more "I love you"s then poof someone leaves me.

Our lives are finite, infinity only exist in nature and fairytales. Its a sad reality.

Im debating wether or not I am you or your dead friend. Somedays it feels like I am both.

I always come back, somehow hoping the outcome changes and he wakes up. Like a kiss of true love. No matter how hard it pains my insides or shakes me to the core. I am sent down a plight of uncertainty.

I feel.

You might ask, what kind torturous form of self-hatred is that? I will respond by saying, "the kind that resonates within my entire body." Sometimes its better to feel pain, than nothing at all.

Were all just waiting.


Square One

Here i am. Square one. Unfillterated. Un adulterated. Transparent. Me.
I always find myself coming to this. Having this conversation with myself. This time its in the middle of a different conversation that I'm having with my friends. Im currently dreading having to go back to their boring ass conversations about manipulative girlfriends because its not engaging enough and I don't care. I just want to be alone. Bask in my thoughts and cry over the fact that there are people out there who are like me and i have no idea how to find them. Which is my favorite form of self sabotage.
I really wish my brain would just shut off for a few seconds or maybe a few months. I wish i was wired differently so I wouldn't have to think about how boring my life is or how theres this unspoken blueprint for life that i dont want to follow. I wish i was wired differently so I wouldn't have to suffer constantly.
Fuck fuck fuck