I dread waking up every morning because you are alive in my dreams
Opened up Youtube. Watched a Soulpancake video. Knew it would make me cry. Watched it anyways. Happy Cried. Currently amazed at how powerful human gratitude and random acts of kindness can be.
I never say 'I love you' enough.
Im sorry for that.
I love you.
You ever love someone so much you start believing in God?
Trevor did in fact reply… two days later. It was a lazy response that can be summed up to “I disagree, Im a whiny white boy who loves victimizing myself even when it isn’t necessary. Also I’m an egghead”.
Have you ever had one of those moments where you just fill ur cheeks with air then push with an insurmountable force that it feels like your skin is going to tear open? Because thats what I felt like doing.
Being the nice person I am, i gave him the benifit of doubt and blamed myself for his confusion, even though I was clear as day and made complete sense. Hes just ignorant and lazy and doesn’t care to notice the social customs that are imbedded in our worlds history and foundation. Thnx Obama.
I tried explaining myself in simpler less confusing terms :
You’re obviously allowed to disagree and I’m glad that you’re vocal about it. Maybe I didn’t make my points clear enough. My initial concern isn’t with physical attraction. Its a given: some people just wont find me attractive and thats okay. Im more speaking along the lines of relationship dynamics and how they personally effect me. I previously felt like i needed to be the watered down version of myself to appear WHY ARE GUYS SO IDIOTIC!!!!less intense and that just made dating awful. If i were to engage in this dating game again, i want to be transparent and open without fear of rejection. Not to say I won’t get rejected. I will. I already have been. I just want the real me to be rejected.
My desire to shave my head was purely for aesthetics. I liked the look. But that desire was hindered by my other fear of seeming too masculine. This is where the physical component comes forward, i guess. To simplify it, I believed Dudes wouldn’t approach me because I reminded them too much of other dudes. So I never got the guts to shave it off.
Hetero Men obviously deal with issues. I just don’t feel like you guys worry much about being pursued because you tend to be the ones initiating things”
This is the reason why I find hookups are so difficult. I cant even entertain the idea of sleeping with someone, who was an idiot, just because I found them physically attractive. Which totally defies the basic foundation of hookups. They are supposed to be meaningless and easy. I on the other hand am the opposite: intense and emotive. I don’t want to accidentally find myself sleeping with someone who has the brain capacity of a soggy cheese puff. I sound incredibly superficial. I know and I wish I didn’t think so highly of myself for that reason because it makes dating a shit show.
Trevor isn’t dumb. He has a college degree, so at least he’s literate. Sometimes thats just not enough. And its difficult to differentiate between the Parasites and Genuine-folk, just by a few surface level conversations. Im forced to get deep right away and sometimes that scares people off. Im slowly learning to be okay with that. I just hate wasting my time but hey, if anything, Im getting better at arguing.
Moral of the story: Bedding with idiots makes me feel gross and gritty. 10/10 would not recommend .
My body feels occupied.
No room for
I can feel Myself fill to a brim
I am leaky faucet,
a body of water,
I am the Nile River
And my mouth is a trapped door
Shuts down before I can expel of all this spillage.
All i want is, emptiness
Excerpt from a poem a wrote a while back. Its extra interesting because it makes specific references to my life. For instance, my middle name is Nhial which means Nile river and Leaky Faucets was the name of my Tom Petty cover band in high school.
Prior to deleting my tinder profile, I gave some kid my number. Actually, not a kid, he is 25. Speaking from a general sense: had an okay personality which translates into, hes not the brightest person ever but in comparison to the sister lovin, cow tipping, alcoholic hicks i swipe past, he's basically a less holy version of baby Jesus.
Anyways, I gave him my number before I went to California and we briefly chatted over my trip usually sticking to surface level conversations.
He sent me a message today at 11:00; prime booty call times and hinted we should hookup. I had to explain to him that i didn't have any hair and was currently celibate. He asked out of curiousity why I had pulled a Britany so being the lovely human being that i am i sent him this :
"Try ignoring all of the spelling and grammar mistakes lol
Basically I feel like having a shaved head challenges my perception of femininity and beauty.
Ive always felt like women were kind of treated as display items. As in we need to be the prettiest, smartest, and most compliant to be considered a good partner. Were all just lined up against a wall like pretty little mannequins waiting to be chosen by some "night in shining armour" to pick us because being loved by a man is the highest level of achievement apparently. And as foolish as it sounds,
I had this fear that I would never be a viable option because everyone would think that I was too weird or too outspoken, maybe even crazy. I internalized that. I believed that who i was made me "unloveable". To make myself "appealing" i would hide behind some fake persona that made me that i felt was more acceptable. (super boring, i wouldn't do it ever again)
Since i was little I have always wanted to shave my hair because I personally think it looks great . There are powerful women all around us like Anne Hathaway, Lupita Nyango, Grace Jones who just ooze sex appeal and Being bald doesn't seem to have an effect on their lives.
So once I started to not give a fuck about what other people thought. I got a razor and started buzzing. Turns out its fine "
Should I have proofread? Probably.
He hasn't responded so I'm assuming I scared him away, like i do most of my tinder "potentials" .
Oh whale. Just the Life of being an overwhelmingly emotive and self-aware piece a crud…peace out
I spent over half an hour making this anatomically incorrect penis. Id like to take the time to now tell you (me) that I'm taking a vow of celibacy for the rest college or until I turn twenty one. Ill explain my thought process behind this difficult decision later.