Love Story

Who am I without my pain.


Square One

Here i am. Square one. Unfillterated. Un adulterated. Transparent. Me.
I always find myself coming to this. Having this conversation with myself. This time its in the middle of a different conversation that I'm having with my friends. Im currently dreading having to go back to their boring ass conversations about manipulative girlfriends because its not engaging enough and I don't care. I just want to be alone. Bask in my thoughts and cry over the fact that there are people out there who are like me and i have no idea how to find them. Which is my favorite form of self sabotage.
I really wish my brain would just shut off for a few seconds or maybe a few months. I wish i was wired differently so I wouldn't have to think about how boring my life is or how theres this unspoken blueprint for life that i dont want to follow. I wish i was wired differently so I wouldn't have to suffer constantly.
Fuck fuck fuck

Its One of Those Days

Where everything I do feels pointless. When it feels like to live is to forever be in pain. It doesn’t matter how far ahead in the future I look, a continuous wave of miser overlooks it. No matter what city I move to. No matter who I cut-or add-to my life. No matter what job I am apart of.

I have post hike blues without even ever hiking a thru-trail and if this misery is going to be heightened then I don’t want to be apart of it.

I have already discovered that this life is full of unnecessary distress because there is no point to life. Happy or Sad were all going to die and cease to exist FOREVER. None of this life matters. Theres no point to it, and to whoever says its to “reproduce” why would ANYONE want to subject their children to this life when all it is is unnecessary pain.

I Know why I am this upset and its because I have had to live through tantalizing events that make me “strong” but all for what. If this strength doesn’t mean anything in the end then what is the point.

I could’ve have been born in South Sudan, lived a simpler life where my role as a woman was to cook and have children and I wouldn’t even hate my life because everyone around me would be doing it. We would all share a future together. Unlike here where I find every situation I encounter to be problematic. Children? HAHAH NA. COOKING? HAHAH NAH. BEING SUBMISSIVE? HAHAHA HELL NO.

Everyone is selling me a future that is cheating me out of my happiness.

Its hilarious. I know. A couple months ago I was riding on this wave of happiness because I finished college with good grades and I didn’t hate it.


Im finally done with my first semester of college and words can not explain the feeling I feel.  Attending college is one of the best decisions I’ve made, even if I’m going to be a couple thousands dollars in debt. I have a job, my grades are not failing, I have a lovely boyfriend who cares for me and loves me. It just feels like nothing is going wrong.

I love this place because I walk around college and I don’t feel poor, I don’t feel like a sudanese girl with a single parent. I feel like myself, I feel like Nyadet the girl who loves writing, who is a exceptional poet, who enjoys the occasional cup of coffee. I write as tears stroll down my eyes because Ive never felt this free in my entire life.

I know that I am and will be forever tied to my past but here it is not about my pass. Its about my future. The clouds are separating and my future is slowly appearing and it isn’t stuck in the bathtub in my house afraid to leave, nor is it spending 100% of my time consuming myself with constant entertainment and stimulation from friends or the internet. It looks clear, and saturated and colorful and although I don’t know what Im going to do, I know that I will be happy.

Dear X

I don’t know which is more upsetting. the fact that you may never know how much of an impact you have had on me, or the fact that i may never be able to tell you. Thank you for existing. For being so much of me that letting you go feels like the loss of my arm or foot. It means killing a past me and resurrecting to this form. thank you for breathing your words to life. For letting them enter the windows of my mind and having them simmer.Your touch lingers like autumn leaves that will never experience the cool ground.Thanks to you, i now know that i am not alone. That these roads are constantly under construction and the first step of restoration is a first date with myself and a book. Thanks for influencing a drive that is never ending and in all of that, all you needed to was live. And share your living.  Thank you for reminding me that beauty exist in the simplest most mundane of days when sitting in hammocks on muggy Wednesday afternoons feels like love.

Thank you for cultivating a riot in my heart.

New Hair, New Me

Im exploring new ideas for this blog. Originally created as a safe space to spill all of my gut wrenching mental filth, Ive embarked on new waters. I don’t want to use this as a journal, I already have one of those. Complaining about my life is just grey and not entertaining at all. Besides, and all of my exsissential crises, are about as mundane as a suburban white dad cheating on his wife with his intern. We’ve all felt it and heard it. Not to say that I won’t be complaining, Nyadet living without complaints? LAUGH OUT LOUD HILARIOUS. I guess i just want to tone it down for a little while. Explore new options.