Who am I without my pain.
Here i am. Square one. Unfillterated. Un adulterated. Transparent. Me.
I always find myself coming to this. Having this conversation with myself. This time its in the middle of a different conversation that I'm having with my friends. Im currently dreading having to go back to their boring ass conversations about manipulative girlfriends because its not engaging enough and I don't care. I just want to be alone. Bask in my thoughts and cry over the fact that there are people out there who are like me and i have no idea how to find them. Which is my favorite form of self sabotage.
I really wish my brain would just shut off for a few seconds or maybe a few months. I wish i was wired differently so I wouldn't have to think about how boring my life is or how theres this unspoken blueprint for life that i dont want to follow. I wish i was wired differently so I wouldn't have to suffer constantly.
Fuck fuck fuck
Its finals week and im avoiding my homework by doing this. Im not going to talk about feeling some unique form of happiness because its starting to become a pattern. First, I neglect all of my responsibilities then whenever I feel like i have some sense, i revert back to them as if I never left. I always leave.
Its getting to the point where I am getting sick of patterns. I am getting sick of waking up everyday. Im sick of this town that I have not learned to love. Especially SICK of this town that is not learning to love me. In my life, I always feel like im fighting for air, im always fighting for space and I want to just *breathe*. Is that too much to ask for?
The other day, I wrote a poem and things felt good- Not happy- but good and in this world, right now, good might just be enough to keep going
a friend, a suffering, a one.
lays her head against the love that once was
finds nothing to be held
she seeks the love from death
while draining the death from love
she, builds a memory out of fortresses.
and loses a friend, a suffering, a one.
Words that have yet to escape me. “I woke up in this nightmare i am going to die in.”, Dr. Thompson my philosophy teacher says to me. Although he kind of talks too much, I’ve gotta give him props, for this quote that has got me churning in my body waiting to find some kind of message that’ll let me find the light in it. Wow. I am losing it. I have been losing it for the last few days. I have been losing it since I was born.
I am so tired.
I am tired.
And there is nothing I can do about it.
It cant be a coincidence that I decided to reread my blog post all the way from the beginning and it ended up being my one year anniversary for the blog. Its amazing how the world works. Its amazing to see how much has happened since I first decided to create this blog and commit to it. It has been one of the most rewarding part of my life.
This year will be new. I will have new things to deal with and be sad about but for now, on this day, I am happy. I am content. Im gearing up for a 2 week trip in the back country of Wyoming and Im prepared to be emotionally and physically exhausted but I believe that I can do it.
Cheers to the new year!
I WANT TO LOVE WITH MY HEART WIDE OPEN. yes, you heard that right. I want to fall in love, hard- and I know. It seems so unlike me. Falling in love? I laugh in the face of love…. and then end up crying on the ride home. Its a painful and tireless reality.
In the past years, my diversion towards love has been interesting. I have spent much of my time trying to suppress my innate human emotions as a coping mechanism, despite the pian it may cause me in the future. ( shoutout to self taught therapy). B
I am here to finally admit to the world, and myself, that i am a hopeless romantic.
I mean it in the most loving way. I grew up on disney movies and Jennifer Aniston movies. There is honestly no other direction for me to go.
When I think of my future partners, I think of myself, because I am perfect. Just kidding, but really. I think of someone who doesn’t take this world seriously. Someone who understands that our time here is limited and no one has time for lukewarm, watered down personalities.
I want to be with someone who understands politics. Not for the sake of debate, but for me. Someone who understands the cards that i was dealt with in this worlds as a Poor Black Woman, who is also an immigrant. I have learned that If i had to learn internalized sexism and racism, then my partner can too.
Someone who is compassionate, more than me.
Most of all, someone who understands the power of love.
I have been feeling the weight of the world suffocating me. Its difficult for me to continue living my mundane life knowing that out there, children are being detained, and forcibly removed from their parents and all of this happens, and my akwnowledgment of it is never enough. In addition to that, theres this hovering guilt associated with the fact that I didn’t know sooner (as if i could have done anything).
American politics are a shit show. This world is a chaotic conglomeration of the most foul shit to ever exist.
Im tired of existing in this little facade. Living life in my little suburban bubble while everyone dear and close to me seems to suffer through the hands of people who can’t even acknowledge their existence. What is wrong with this world. What is wrong with the white men on top playing god with their flimsy hands. We have already established, a speckle of holiness has never crossed their paths and for that they are bitter.
If your mission as a human is to not participate in the betterment of marginalized people, or even simply other humans, then what is the point?
I think it in important question to think about. Our time here on earth is finite yet so limitless.
The last place someone would attribute politics to is the pool. It’s practically a kids bar, a place where under 14 year olds go to chat and lounge over orange juice and the smell of chlorine.
I began working at Miller Pool when I was 16 years old. Walking in fresh faced and naive, the last thing I would ever want to do was disappoint my managers. My managers at the time were both women; one white and one black. They were a powerful duo but obviously, the one who was black had the most in common with me and we quickly became friends.
Amidst our many conversations, one that sticks till today is that of race. Natasha, who has worked for my city, for years, was actually assistant manger. Despite her experience working in pools with “troubled kids” and living in the community, Natasha didn’t believe Emma, who didn’t have as much experience should be Natasha’s boss.
As our conversation progressed, I could see Natasha maybe, for the first time becoming aware of her disadvantage as a black women working for the city. Natasha, black and fat, could never stand a chance against the Cheery and Preppy Blonde that Emma was. Its a story all too familiar for black women in the work force.
Today I go to work and the pool is still as loud as it was when I was 16. There are black children barely containing their excitement running up the stairs, the lifeguards whistling at them to stop. Children playing the color game, and toddlers reluctantly jumping into the pool from the grates. The atmosphere is always full of energy, whether that be positive or negative.
Of the many comments I get working at a pool in the intercity, the worst comes from my coworkers; the lifeguards. Miller Pool lifeguards are paid 2 dollars more than regular lifeguards, as incentive for working in the “ghetto”. My city is severely segregated. The parents of every suburban neighborhood obviously would never allow their children to guard in such a dangerous area. This means, Miller Pool attracts older kids, who may or may not live in predominately white areas but nonetheless are white. The way they talk about these kids, is disheartening and very dehumanizing. Without considering their bias and accessing their environments white lifeguards mock the way black children talk, they collect barrettes as trophies and parade around the pool as if they are warriors carrying the heads of their colonizers, but most blaring and disarming is the constant whistle blowing that is directed towards children who are just… children.
I constantly have to decipher if these lifeguards are talking about children, or criminals.
Its quite clear that lifeguards are not aware of their unconscious bias and are enforcing their own deep-seated fear of black people and continuing to criminalize black children.
The racial disparities between white and black children doesn’t end once school is over, it begins when pools open for summer. Our pool has the most banned and barred children of any other pool in my city. Similarly, black children are more likely to be kicked out or suspended from school than any other race of children all over the nation. It’s not a matter of if black people (or children) are inherently criminal, its an issue of awareness and giving these children what they need. Many participants don’t have access to swim lessons, goggles, or pool toys. Some of them can not even afford to buy swimsuits. Im not even sure if they are fed everyday.
Politics follow us everywhere and its ignorant to turn colorblind when it comes to learning what these children need. My pool is black when there is an incident that requires security but suddenly race should not be taken into account when buying extra goggles or swimsuits to alleviate the problem is brought up.
We are doing a disservice to these kids if we do not put them first. Their safety, their comfort, and and most importantly their humanity.